In Praise of Neighbors
(Source: Unsplash/Kenny Eliason.)
Yesterday, I came home from a busy afternoon to find a brightly colored sheet of paper sitting on the coffee table, bearing an illustration of an apple and a coffee cup. It was an invitation from our neighbors to a come-and-go morning of apple fritters and coffee (BYO mug) this coming weekend.
It’s no secret: there are some really wonderful people in my neighborhood, and whether they live next door, across the street, or a couple blocks away, many of them have brought immense joy to my life.
National Good Neighbor Day is just around the corner, on September 28, so it feels timely to think about the important role that neighbors can play in a strong town.
Enjoying More Good Times
I’m an introvert, yet there’s nothing that lifts my spirits like a cheery hello when crossing paths with someone I know in the neighborhood. Simply being recognized and acknowledged is a good feeling. Getting together with lots of neighbors for a picnic in the park, trivia night, or spring cleanup is always great fun, too.
Want to get to know your neighborhood (and neighbors) better? Learn here how to host a neighborhood walk!
Then there are the practical ways that neighbors can help each other. It’s so handy to have someone you can borrow a ladder or a candy thermometer from, or help you move an unwieldy piece of furniture. And having someone you trust with your keys who would be happy to bring in the mail, water your garden, or feed your cat while you’re away is invaluable. In the summer, I love seeing the neighborhood kids with their lemonade stands or out for a bike ride with their families. In the quiet dark of winter, I love the feeling of seeing a light on inside someone’s house and picturing the people who live there.
At times, I feel as though I have almost an embarrassment of riches when it comes to my neighbors, but it wasn’t always this way; I’ve made an effort to push myself socially and develop my small-talk skills so that meeting new people is much easier for me than it used to be. I’d be lying if I said I never have days where I go for a walk and hope not to bump into anyone I know, and it’s not as if there are never any issues. I include myself when I say that none of my neighbors are perfect. But it’s a lot easier to tolerate minor annoyances like my neighbor’s huge rumbly truck or noisy motorcycle when I know that he’s a kind person who’d give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.
Easing the Burden of Hard Times
I’m lucky to be able to say that daily, positive neighbor interactions are the norm for my family, but some of the most memorable and powerful experiences have arisen during difficult circumstances.
A few years ago, a freak fall snowstorm left us without power for 30 hours. The inconvenience and uncertainty was stressful, but I have great memories from that day. One set of neighbors made coffee on their camp stove and brought it over to share with us. We sat in our living room in our winter coats, bundled in blankets, and ate sandwiches cobbled together from bits and pieces from our fridge. Another neighbor brought over his power bank so we could charge our phones. It felt like a bit of an adventure rather than a minor disaster.
There was also a period when a house down the street was being used for drug dealing. This was a horribly stressful time, but being able to strategize, commiserate, and keep tabs on the situation with our neighbors made it bearable. By the time the operation had been shut down and the house had new residents, I’d even say that going through that experience together actually made us stronger as neighbors.
Being Each Other’s Keepers
Years ago, a neighbor across the street admitted, somewhat sheepishly, that she watched our kids wait for the school bus from her front window as part of her morning coffee routine. I think she thought it might sound a little creepy. On the contrary, I found it incredibly endearing and meaningful. This was a neighbor we didn’t really know all that well on a personal level (although we’d had many front yard chats and even a few impromptu porch visits), yet here she was, looking out for our family.
I thought about this as we began another school year, and reviewed with our kids what to do if they ever arrived home to an unexpectedly locked front door. They could easily rattle off close to a dozen households they’d feel comfortable going to for help.
As neighbors, we have each other’s backs. This summer, we were away in another province when I got a call from a neighbor. She’d noticed some unusual activity at another neighbor’s home and was concerned there might be something amiss, but didn’t have their contact info, so she was enlisting my help to check in on their well-being. Thankfully, everything was fine, but we both felt “better safe than sorry.” Imagine someone you don’t really know taking the time to make a call to make sure you’re okay. It brings to mind the quote, “Good neighbors are like stars. You don’t always see them, but you know they’re always there.”
The Foundations of a Strong Place
Here’s something I don’t want to get lost amidst my love letter to neighbors. You don’t have to be besties with all your neighbors; it’s not realistic to think that you’ll connect with everyone and want to spend time together.
But knowing who they are—even just their names—is powerful stuff. It’s the first step in being able to eventually grow a relationship, one that may be as simple as lending ladders or exchanging Christmas cards, or as cherished as becoming life-long friends you could call on for anything.
Some neighbor relationships are bound to be what sociologists call “weak ties”: not your nearest and dearest friends and family, but also not simply people you recognize on your street but never speak to—and that’s a good thing. They’re sort of like the missing middle of relationships.
It’s not that weak ties are incomplete or that they’ve failed to fully develop. Rather, they’re an asset in and of themselves.
As Gracen Johnson so eloquently put it, “To me, the call and response of the city is the volley of weak ties. We may not know know each other, but our gestures act to validate strangers and create a feeling of safety and home.”
And when the time comes (because it will come!) that you see something that needs to change in your neighbourhood, it’ll be so much easier to get the ball rolling if you know people. Say there’s a dangerous intersection, an alarming rate of tree loss, insufficient back lane lighting, a playground that needs some love, or any other problem in need of addressing. You need to know who your neighbors are if you’re going to take action.
I’ll leave you with an incredibly simple tool that I’ve seen work in my community.
Years ago, at our neighborhood association annual general meeting, we invited a local pastor to speak about the neighbor-building efforts her church had been working on as a part of a greater multi-denominational neighboring movement. She shared with us this simple three-by-three grid and encouraged us to see if we could fill it out with the names (and better yet, contact info) of the eight households nearest to us.
She encouraged us to post it on our fridge and update it as we met more people. While we had cookies and coffee after the meeting, the grid was a perfect discussion topic, with folks excited to see how full their grid was, or gently admonishing themselves for having blank spaces.
I love this tool because it gives you the visual satisfaction of filling in squares, like surrounding your home with familiarity and support. And spaces that are blank are sort of a subtle challenge, nudging you to try to fill them in. Of course, your own map may look a little different depending on the layout of your street, if you live in an apartment block, etc. But the principle stands!
It’s been a few years since that presentation, and I’m thinking it would be good to share the grid in our neighborhood newsletter again, as an encouragement and reminder of a simple thing people can do to become more connected.
Anyway, back to this upcoming apple fritter and coffee come-and-go… My mouth is already watering. I can’t wait to shuffle over there with my mug and enjoy a fall morning with familiar faces and maybe meet some new ones!
If you’re thinking, “That’s great, but that sort of thing would never happen in my neighborhood,” I will leave you with this thought: maybe your neighbors are great, too. But you won’t know unless you find out.
Emma Durand-Wood likes walkable cities, front porches, street trees, bumping into neighbors, riding her bike, downtowns, and any excuse to check out a new coffee shop, bakery, or shop. A Winnipegger by choice, she lives in Elmwood with her husband and three children. You can connect with her on Twitter @emmaewood.